christmas is coming!!

Dear Blog,

my emotion is quite stable now to write in normal state..

today i had an awesome 3rd year birthday celebration of my nephew, andrew.

i want to give thanks to God for taking care of him these years,

right from he was born prematurely until hes growing normally.

this morning was quite interesting too!

i helped panda's mom to cement panda's house garage's rail,

as the worker didnt do the job properly..

haha too bad panda's dad is the only man in the family, and he was working and he couldnt do it..

so long i havent played with concrete :)

then i had 6 HOURS (yes, SIX) karaoke, with my friends.. it was.. terrible lol

i could only bear the first 3-4 hours then left.. haha

up to this time, i really keep looking at my mobile to wait sms from panda..

but she was watching dvd :)

poor her to be bored when it is holiday >,<..

this is why i want to accompany her via sms everytime..

then panda wanted to sleep as she watched many episodes already..

i continued my day to andrew's birthday dinner with family..

i taught him that santa claus will bring gifts for him if he becomes a good boy before christmas.

he UNDERSTOOD! :)

he behaved properly after that, and keep asking where is santa claus..

so cuuuuute :)

after the dinner, i hurried to go to play futsal with my friends..

then this time, i didnt score a single goal, after 13 goals in 3 previous games! ^^

my alibi is because my feet hurt so much..

now im back home.. i looked to mirror, my face have irritation because of something (most prolly the body soap i used for face..) it HURTS so much, and my face becomes UGLY! hahahahaha

now.. 2:32am, 24 december in australia.. panda have been sleeping for 5.5 hours.. i really miss her.. hopefully she misses me too, read this post tomorrow when she has free time, and send me smses to let me accompany her holiday..

6 more weeks, panda.. please love me much on this LD condition til that so my love dont shatter day by days, but grows larger slowly but sure... :)

I love my Viranda Clarissa Suwanda very much.

my only rational wish for 09's Christmas is for panda's health and happiness, so she can enjoy her Christmas like I do here!

cocok, cuma kok kamu sering sekali tinggalin aku?

kalau aku jalan di jalanku sendiri,

kamu jalan di jalanmu sendiri..

buat apa dulu kamu terima aku buat dampingin kamu?

ragu...

udah 4 hari dari post terakhir.. dan ga tau berapa hari dari start nya..

yg jelas.. someone is missing..

kemana aja selama ini? ga pernah cerita2 lagi..

kontak jg kaya ga niat semua..

bikin muffin, mau liat pun ga dikasih, malah udah diabisin orang laen yg tinggal serumah.. wow..

telponan sama orang (walopun ce) 4 jam sehari, while this guy right here been waiting for DAYS or even WEEKS to talk..

aku juga ga yakin kalo kamu masih inget buat baca blog ini.. aku ga tau kamu terakhir baca sampe dimana..

kamu bilang, kamu ga berubah? menurut aku kamu berubah, walopun ga 180 derajat. ini sama aja, balik lagi waktu aku berusaha sekuat tenaga deketin kamu, walopun kamu masih suka sama orang laen. cuma kondisinya beda, dulu aku bukan siapa2 kamu, aku pasrah aja kamu mau cuekin aku, karena aku memang bukan siapa2..

apa aku salah kalo aku expect dari pacar sendiri hal hal normal kaya diatas? BERMINGGUMINGGU, ngomong aja susah..

aku jadi bener2 ragu.. apa kamu bener2 terima aku karena kamu sayang aku, atau karena cuma takut kamu ga bisa ngerasain pacaran sm aku yang waktu dulu baek sekali sama kamu..

apa kamu bosen sama aku?

apa kamu masih mau maen2 dulu?

apa kamu ga mau pacaran dulu?

aku capek kalo begini terus..

sampe kapan sih rumput liar bisa hidup kalo ga setiap hari disiram?

we'll see. not gonna long, i am 100% sure.

why?

i dont understand why it is so hard just to contact my own girlfriend..

and i cant wait til 18 dec JUST to chat..

24 hours a day.. she only wastes like no more than 30 mins to read and reply my messages..

i tried to ease the pain by going out with friends, but is just makes me more painful,

to not be able to talk to her, while my mind is locked on her all the time,

although my friends were there with me..

agnes monica bilang..

pernahkah kau bicara, tp tak didengar,

kuhidup dengan siapa

ku tak tahu kau 'siapa'

kau kekasihku tapi orang lain bagiku..

kau dengan dirimu saja..

kau dengan duniamu saja..

teruskanlah, teruskanlah kau begitu..

sigh.. apa bener kita ini cocok?

random, literally

disini aku masih sendiri..

merenungi hari-hari sepi

aku tanpamu.. masih tanpamu..

bila esok hari datang lagi

kucoba tuk hadapi semua ini, meski tanpamu..

apa kabarnya pujaan hatiku?

apakah aku slalu dihatinya?

berbagai cara telah aku lakukan untuk hidupmu

hingga aku mengorbankan hidupku

buka hatimu, bukalah sedikit untukku..

sehingga diriku bisa memilikimu..

buktikanlah kau cinta padaku

buat aku tergila-gila padamu

jangan dulu kau lelah menunggu

kuingin lihat kesungguhanmu

kuberikan satu cara mendapatkanku

jangan banyak bicara tunjukkan saja..

aku disini, engkau disitu

tunggu aku datang untukmu..

embun pagi katakan padanya

biar kudekap erat waktu dingin membelenggunya

tahukah engkau wahai langit, aku ingin bertemu membelai wajahnya

walau hanya nada sederhana, ijinkan ku ungkap segenap rasa dan kerinduan.......

tahukah engkau wahai langit, aku ingin bertemu membelai wajahnya

kupasang hiasan angkasa yang terindah hanya untuk dirinya........

seringnya ku tak tentu lalui hariku..

kadang ku cemburu, kadang ku gelisah..

seringnya ku tak tentu lalui hariku..

temen gw pernah cerita.. (udah lama sih, sampe lupa dia ceritanya gimana.. kurang lebih aja)

waktu dia pacaran udah sampe setaun/christmas/ultah atau apa gw lupa..

dia blg.. "pernah ga sih lu expect dia bakal kasih lu something special? wajar kan jep??"

wkt itu gw yg statusnya jomblo tidak bahagia jawab sekenanya..

"ya wajar2 aja.. hari spesial, deg2an dia bakal ngapain kita"

skrg kok gw baru kepikiran..

pernahkah?

ya pasti pernah lah yaa..

tapi.. apa waktu itu gw sampe "waah.. how lucky i am punya pacar ky gini.."?

dont think so.. :)

21 taun, 3 mantan, 3 ttm, ga pernah ada yg 'spesial' (paling banter dibikini syal, handmade)

di otak gw, alesannya macem2:

1. pertama kali pacaran ("ah gw bingung mau kasih apa")

2. bekas pacar orang ("dulu gw kasih si itu, reaksinya biasa aja, buat apa kasih ke jepri?")

3. bekas pacar orang yg ke-lebih-dari-satu ("bosen.. kasih apa aja sekenanya dah")

buat cewe, 17 taun=sweet seventeen.

buat cowo, 21 taun=black and white party.

black and white gw more like all black with some people didnt even care to drop by :)

laen lagi ceritanya kalo acara laen.. e.g. graduation, xmas,valentine, 1taunan, whatever else..

bukannya ngarepin hadiahnya sih.. tp efforts nya itu yg bikin 'wah'..

sama halnya kaya anything i feel need to be celebrated..

kadang, gw expect org yg terima itu bakal super duper hepi.

nyatanya, expectation gw kacau..

pdhl menurut gw sendiri, tingkat expectation gw udah rendah banget, berhubung masa kecil yang menyakitkan waktu SMP :p

gw ga akan pernah expect orang bakal "wah" kalo gw kasih barang.

tapi.. apa gw harus diem2 aja waktu gw buang waktu, tenaga, air mata, kesehatan, hubungan sm orang laen buat ngelakuin apa yg gw rasa masih dalam jangkauan kemampuan gw?

skrg gw tanya balik ke diri sendiri..

pernahkah gw cuek2 aja sama apa yg mantan2+ttm2 gw lakuin buat gw?

pernahkah gw buang2 waktu, tenaga, pikiran mantan2+ttm2 gw sementara gw acuh tak acuh?

pernahkah gw buat mereka kecewa sama gw waktu gw masih jadi pacar?

pernahkah gw tinggalin mereka demi maen sama temen2 gw, maen game, atau apapun itu?

pernahkah gw buat mereka nangis gara2 expect gw bakal appreciate what they did for me?

hari-hari gw memang kebanyakan ga tentu belakangan ini. pagi bisa hepi, sore bisa suram.

mestinya gw seneng, gw akhirnya bisa skolah lagi..

apa yg semua gw lakuin ini worth it buat gw sendiri?

kalo emang iya, siapa yang bisa yakinin gw..............?

flashing back........

cant sleep. tried to sleep since 1 hour ago.. i need to sleep to watch barca vs real madrid.. haha

hmm.. maybe my body needs to cool down a little bit more to sleep..

then my mind start going somewhere..

i remember the moment that i hugged you on the elevator, in BIP..

i felt.. warm.. that time i wished that the escalator would be longer.. or else endless..

you said that we couldnt do that kind of hug in crb since everyone will notice..

i.. just feel warm.. and i wanted it longer..

then my mind jumped again...

we went back to crb.. after 4 days of fun and laughter..

that time.. i did realise that i am happy u were beside me for 4 hours driving..

but now, it is different.. i miss to be accompanied..

i feel soooo.. lonely, especially in the car.. more reasons to use train if i need to go to jkt..

i was so happy, it was my first time that a girl accompanied me on a road trip that far, that long..

it then jumped to the moment in atm room with very cold a/c..

i.. like to hug you the most, from the front.. that way i can feel all your everything..

i dont know any other place to do that in indo.. and any other moment..

3 weeks.. is just not enough..

now i still cant sleep, i decided to type..

i miss you..

hopefully i can sleep right after i finished..